If I showed you my teardrops..

If I showed you my teardrops

would you collect them like rain?

Endure the tremors of my heart,

Soliciting no gain?

If I showed you the cracks of my heart

Would you glue them with hope?

Of a promise you’ll stick to

Tie it with a lovely tight rope?

If I showed you my teardrops would you make me a sea?

Be it of happiness OR melancholy, jointly float with me?

If I showed you my teardrops, would you make me a painting?

On a canvas of dreams and reality, love and empathy.

I never thought I’d admit this, but perhaps that’s what you’d do;

Make me do the things, I never thought I could too.

And then again, If I showed you my teardrops

Would you show me yours too?

I’d tone my waves to suit yours,

Promising the best of me, to you <3

Isn't it beautiful that Allah swt could grant love in the heart of your spouse for you? :')

Alhamdulillah..
I thank Allah for adding love in our lives, coz He said,

"And [remember] when your Lord proclaimed, 'If you are grateful, I will surely increase you [in favor]; but if you deny, indeed, My punishment is severe.' " [Qur'an 14:7] ;) 

While he's been away...

My husbands been away for a while, to a place he's never been to alone, with people who speak languages he can slightly understand but not converse in, for a good cause though.
This has given me ample time with my self, to reflect on our marriage, on our lives individually; his and mine, and on our future. When he left, I argued with him. So it wasn't really a happy farewell. Yet, it was a much needed break from each other, for me to rejuvenate my love and think of ways this marriage could be saved. I don't mean it was dying. Its been a happy marriage, Alhamdulillah, but like most couples say, in the first year of marriage things were getting real and trials and stress began kicking in, hence slowly drying the affection between us. (or maybe that's what I wrongly thought). I knew something was missing, and I couldn't tell what...

We individually worked on our faith. Yes we woke each other up for Fajr, made sure each other never missed a prayer, did almost a lot of things that ensured we weren't swaying away from the Deen. However, we didnt help each other in our connection with Allah swt. It was dying in each of our hearts; he figured his heart, I didn't mine.
He often told me, when I asked him why he seemed so dull, that 'it is dead', pointing to his heart. I tried telling him things he could do or I'd recite the Qur'an or play Mishary when he's around in the room, but mostly never knew how to help (much because perhaps mine has been dead too).

What was missing in my marriage wasn't (to my surprise) any affection between us, but both of our connections with our Rabb. I could have told him to spend a day per week in the masjid doing Itikaf, making sure no matter what keeps him busy, he makes time to rejuvenate his soul and bring it to life. I could have sat and done the tafseer with him like he always wanted to. And there are many ways we could have in turn helped each other.

Now that he's gone, so close to Allah's house, and I'm here day by day bringing back the lost me, getting back to my connection with Him, since I have no choice but to rely on Allah the Almighty for the safety of my husband, I feel the change in our voices when we talk over phone, the increase in our concern (me for his safety, he for mine health), and we feel that 'honeymoon phase' back in our silent 'Love you's'.

Fear of living without him: An eternal wait

SubhanAllah I sit in my prayer mat after Isha and think about ALL those women of the past who sent their husbands in Allah's path, with nothing in their hearts but tawakal ala Allah (faith in Allah swt).
Not faith that their husbands are going to be back safe, but faith that their husbands are going in the path of Allah SWT and so whatever good OR BAD happens to them, it is in Allah's hands. How strong would they have been to let their affairs in Allah's hands no matter what the outcome could be; them raising children as single mothers, them living their lives in Allah's care ahead in case their husbands didn't return, or just them not ever knowing news of what their husbands might be going through and so waiting timelessly for news of their spouses...

Indeed, in their eternal waiting, they've set different standards of having 'faith' in Allah swt that I just cannot comprehend.

If he's been away only for a few days, with much advanced technology than those days so I know every place he is in, or what he has been doing etc, and yet my heart and mind keep wandering and fearing for his safety until he's back, I wonder where those women derived their strength from, subhanAllah.

'Every marriage is different'

This is one of the BEST lines I ever read on marriage and it is SO SO true.

No matter how many people come to give advices on marriage 'based on their experience', MY marriage is different. There is no harm in taking the good from their advises and applying it in our lives; but what's important is to be able to judge our spouses ON OUR OWN without comparing situations, without expecting similar outcomes like others and without just emulating other people's married lives.

Nobody else is my husband's wife :D

And Alhamdulillah for that :D

And so nobody else is a judge of his potential, nobody else can dictate to me how I should feel about him or what I should tell him, etc. No matter how close anyone else is, I love my husband and I am happy with him; and what other's think or feel about him is their problem.
I've promised to respond to his Zammilooni when he needs it; and that doesn't mean I need to wait for him to shiver in fear and run to me saying 'Zammilooni' coz an angel just pressed over him; His 'zammilooni' is in me standing by his side whenever I can. Be it in the small things he stands for in life, that his or my own parents would be against. Or the big decisions he makes in life, with no one but me as his spouse to discuss with and consider. His 'zammilooni' is NOT in me standing beside him showing anyone-  'yes my husbands like this and well I'm dealing with it'. But me standing beside him showing 'YES! My husband's like this, and I'm proud of him for this'.

Not just that, but it is also important to place each of our loved ones in their specific pedestals, independant of each other. My parents are in a high pedestal in my love for them, and so is my husband. And so are his parents. But what problems my parents have with him are not mine and should not affect how my relationship and feelings for him is and vice verse. This is how we separate the pedestals, and learn to prioritize. And THAT is when we know, noone can come between our sacred relationship. which means-

It is never too late to amend issues

The beauty about marriage is that everything happens for the first time. And everything isn't meant to be perfect.
The key is to embrace all the first times be it in good or bad ways, and have a heart that's constantly reflecting on the state of the marriage, and it's path towards Allah's pleasure. Everything else is just fixed or beautified more, by Him. Alhamdulillah.

'But I'm not happy anymore'

A most common phrase many say at one or the other points of time in their lives. But, every time we be in such a situation, ( and i read this somewhere as well) asking ourselves if there was ONE thing left to fight for in our spouses, will help us get past the pain. My answer has always been yes, and not for one but for many MANY MANY things I love him for EVEN if I woudn't admit it AT THAT exact point of time. Be it in the littlest of things like his smile at some of my childish naiveness or the biggest of things like the days he made me grow in my dreams. Or simply his chuckle without a reply when I say 'I love you'.

If there is even one small thing worth to fight for in him, then it's worth holding on with patience during hard times.

Importance of 'me time' in our lives

All this excitement to renew my married life with him (like as if we are 15 years married! ) has been the result of me taking my time off him while he's been away. And this me-time has been so healthy and helpful in bringing back the old feelings and dreams of walking together, aging together for 60 or 80 years ahead, and further till Jannah and beyond inshaAllah. And so i guess we need to do this more often ;)

Alhamdulillah, for the blessings in the little harsh days as well :P

Waiting for you, soulmate. <3  For you to see this newer, kinder, more empathetic me, inshaAllah. And hopefully, receiving the same from your me-time there.

The love? Just like it was day one, and it will always be. iA :) 

Test.Test. TEST.

Seriously,  subhanAllah,  you know Allah is stepping up the game when  life's test come in unexpected ways. Ways that you steered clear of and in one in thousands of a possibility of it happening,  it just happens.
Alhamdulillah, for being tested by Allah is a blessing of being alive. Raher be alive at heart in being tested than be bereft n forgotten by Him. Atleast we know He hasn't forgotten us. Alhamdulillah ala kulli haal.
And well, patience IS at the first stroke of calamity right? He takes care of the rest.
How I love this deen. Alhamdulillah. Beautiful deen. ❤

Of looking back, looking around and looking ahead…

For years, I’ve been yearning.

To feel a sense of closeness to Him. For being tested, just to know I’m loved.

To know, if I’m loved by the One I adore so much.

I’ve been drowning in the grief of realising the unworthiness of this life and this Dunya, and the increasing desire for Jannah…the real deal. Been wondering, will I ever be an extra-ordinary slave of Him, or just simply be.

Except until a few days ago, while sitting alone near His blessed house and contemplating over His countless blessings over me right from my birth to this very breath that I take… Unfathomable and Uncountable blessings from the Almighty; Humility overpowers me and I’m overwhelmed with the feeling to make more supplications, yet I can’t ask for more, before thanking Him enough.

And then I wonder in awe, ‘why me?’  

Amidst the young orphans, the homes that were wrecked, the bodies that were born paralyzed, the school children whose schools were bombed, the underprivileged with meager sustenance, the healthy new borns with a brain damage, the unintelligent, the children whose parents worked in the streets day and night, those whose new clothes were only the discarded ones of the rich, youth who slept hungry, fasted with no food to break their fasts, and amidst those who didn’t know Islam- the truth, the ones who slept and woke up living a systematic life with no purpose, those who were blessed with the Dunya and not the Deen, those who had the Qur’an but only in their shelves and amidst….this unjust world; He raised me. Not deprived like the ones above, but differently and beautifully. Deprived (or rather ‘tested’) in some things, but given most; Unlike the ones above. He granted me so much I never asked for. And most of all, if He granted me the desire to see Him and yearn for His love, wasn’t it the greatest of blessings to be thankful for already?

And that…. Was sufficient. To look back at what I’ve been yearning for.  I AM extraordinary in the simplest of ways He’s given me or deprived of me. AND SO ARE WE ALL. and so are those in the above mentioned, too...Alhamdulillah..

I always thought Maryam AS said this for herself when she replied to Zachariah that the fruits she had were from Allah swt. Indeed they were. But her statement was so general- “She said, ‘It is from Allah. Indeed, Allah provides for whom He wills without account.’" [Qur’an 3:37]  " إِنَّ اللَّهَ يَرْزُقُ مَنْ يَشَاءُ بِغَيْرِ حِسَابٍ "

:’) 

Need I say more?

Indeed, Allah provides for whom He wills without account… Indeed, Allah provides for whom He wills without measure..[Qur'an 3:37]

[May Allah make us of them]

2nd Ramadan 1436,Alhamdulillah

Endured..

You know when you’re at the most vulnerable state, and he endures you?

That’s when you know he loves you more than you’ll ever know.

You’ll never know why you’re loved that much. Even he won’t know.

That’s love.

It makes you happy like you’ve never been before.

Loved like you’ve never been loved before.

I never thought I’d write about it.

But this is what love does. It makes you do things you’ve never done before.

Because Love….evaded me. I was afraid to love.

But that’s the thing about it.. You don’t plan to fall in love. You just do.

I believe in true love. Didn’t the Prophet SAW and Khadidja RA/Aisha RA or all his wives love each other so much?

Didn’t Adam AS have Hawwa for being loved, to feel complete, to feel….satisfied with the imperfections of life…

To be loved when you’re at your best, is beautiful. And to be loved for your flaws, is incomprehensible...

To be in Love, is to feel complete.

Love; Let it find you.

And when you find love, you find yourself.

Stronger is the power of love, when two souls jointly grow fonder

of Him, Al Wadood, ‘who puts affection in their hearts’ (8:63)...

© Sameera Hameed

The pigeon knocked my window this morning....Again.

That little bird has seriously taught me too many lessons. :D

Nobody will believe me, but these pigeons actually sit on my window sill and chirp loudly or knock on the window UNTIL I open and give it some food.. And me being the forgetful person I am, have to be reminded a million times. Either by my mother or by the knocks of these hungry little ones. 

The moment I put their food and close the windows, they fly back to my window sill and eat so quietly and hungrily!

I cannot believe that it’s a different bird everyday. How would they know this exaaaact window! I know they're my birds.

There’s that little one teaching me-

To knock on His door,continuously, consistently, humbly and without ever giving up. No matter what. I need to knock with the faith that I’ll be given and fly away, only to come back to see I’m given.

Every event in our lives has a reason behind its happening. And while we ‘fly further’, we will look back and know it was what ‘made’ us and ‘sustained’ us.  :)

Little did I know I’d derive so many lessons from these pigeons in my life! Even that is in itself a lesson- to be of any benefit to this world and all of His creation in any possible way, be it even teaching it a lesson just by being the best of ourselves.

Dua- Ya Mujeeb, use me to add value to this Ummah. Ameen :')

The middle one is a fighter :D

This too shall pass...

What have you lost if a test only got you closer to Allah swt even if it’s hard and heartbreakingly shattering to bear in this Dunya? If all that matters is your connection with Allah, nothing will break you.

'O you who are patient! Bear a little more, just a little more remains.' [Ibn al-Qayyim (rahimahullaah)]

.....And yet..."with every hardship there is ease. With every hardship there is ease." :') [Quran: 94:5-6] That's His promise. Derive your strength from Him...:')

Say Alhamdulillah. Coz Allah says ''If you are grateful, I will surely increase you [in favor]; ' [14:7]

Haven't Allah's plans always been better for you? 

Haven't you seen so much love this year subhanAllah and hasn't He given you so many blessings. EVEN in this test, haven't you seen how Allah has softened everyone's (especially those that matter to you the most) hearts towards you?  This is just a small thing He's taken compared to all that..Don't despair. Infact it's nothing compared to the real mansions you want in the akhirah..

'Smile and tell Him thanks and look ahead' :)

Weren't you the one who asked for His love. Now that you're tested, you don't want it? Tell Allah with that fragile heart of yours, 'Yes, I still believe YOU are ArRahman. You are AlWudood. I am not giving up on You ya Rabb' 

This is what life is. To walk forth and build new dreams upon the rubble of the previous ones. And you can't go ahead half-heartedly. Life's events will keep breaking you, but it will make you a 1000 times stronger. Walk on, as you have walked on previously. From tough battles. You won't let this stop you. Because that isn't you. You will figure a way. He will guide you out. Fall, falter, cry, but you will pass this bridge with strength inshaAllah. I will never escape the lessons HE wants me to learn but it will only take me to Him. inshaAllah.  Life is all about Him testing us...and about our hearts going back to Him when its heading elsewhere.  Such that it cries out to Him feeling helpless knowing that only He can get us through.  And for us to see Allah's compassion and mercy fixing our affairs till we would say "THIS is Allah." ...

O Allah, I accept your test. Just don't let me disappoint those around me :'(

لَا يُكَلِّفُ ٱللَّهُ نَفْسًا إِلَّا وُسْعَهَا  :')  That means you can bear this. Alhamdulillah. Its really nothing! :D

#ThisTooShallPass

My final 'single' departure from Malaysia iA

24th May 2014 6:45pm [I'm typing this on air]

Ya rabb...this is between you and me..and I truly know i don't deserve all this love. I cannot understand how people would love someone like me n make time for me. Not just make time for me but also make it special for me in every possible way. I know my reality.  N it doesn't deserve even a speck of this. I haven't earned anything.  But it is you ya Allah who put love in the hearts of those i love. It is You, ya alwudood...enveloping me with it. And i bow down in humility to You,  and thank You and beg of Your forgiveness for granting me without me asking,
and amidst all the love i received today, I seek the love of You ya AlWadood, the giver of All love that's sufficient.

Empty Vessel

I will look back to this day.

To that feeling when I stood in front of a pile of books stacked in that Ustadh's shelf. And felt blank. How I know nothing , not even to understand what I read in front of me and yet how I wish to learn so much! Really… I see an ocean in front of me, and I feel like a thirsty empty vessel desperately desiring to grasp it all…

This is really a long journey to embark on. But this is not impossible. This is the beginning and one day I will look back to this day, when I’m drowned deep in that ocean, far far away… I know I’ll get there one day. inshaAllah.

And when I do look back, and then look ahead, I’ll still feel the same, and be the same thirsty empty vessel.

Why do I want this?

I want this so bad. Because I feel like I've become stagnant. In my eman.

I want my eman to rise with the light of His knowledge.

And everytime I Err, or sin or think of sinning, I want knowledge to remind me of Him.

I want to KNOW what I do, why I’m doing it, and how to do it in the way that pleases Allah swt. In whatever I do.

I want to have answers when my children ask me.

I want to know.

I want to learn more n more of Him, to increase in my love and fear of Him.

I want my heart to feel alive. Its dead. I want to know how to live.

And if possible, I want to connect people around me to the Most Beaaaaaaaaaaaaaautiful connection of all. In whichever way I can. I want this so much.

I want to tread the path of knowledge, for it’s the path to Jannah and I want Jannah real bad.

I HAVE to look back to this day. To remind myself WHY I ever tread on this path. No matter how difficult it gets. I shouldn't give up. And no matter how easy it gets, I shouldn't become arrogant.

The funny thing is, what I felt today is what I felt 8 years ago, back in my home, when I stood there, staring at my shelf of books that I had wanted to learn. I look back to that day now, and I realize I’ve read them all. Yet I think this feeling will never change. And it shouldn't. inshaAllah.... 

O Allah! Make me eligible to receive the light of your knowledge and utilize it to Your pleasure. Ameen.... 

Cheer Up :)

One day, we'll wipe each others worries away.h
I'd  love to plunge deep into your soul and know what its trying to scream. When you're low, I'd go into the cracks of your wounds and see what you have written on them. I wish to even soothen it sometimes. When you're happier, I'd climb on the clouds that your heart floats on and feel the air with you.
N I really really hope,
you will too,
for me.

Missing you :P

The days and miles we spend apart

Are actually maybe

only as little

as

a few drops in the ocean.

Yet..

Feels like the spaces between the stars...

The wait is long.... 

but sweet. 

Dedicated To You..

"The day you sat by me
And the Stars witnessed,
The tremors of my heart;
The whispers of my soul,
And your eyes,
Soft and Tender
Held a promise
Of love that would never go...."

:)

Be The Woman You Need To Be.

Every girls dream dies. In this cruel world.

Pondering, and learning about the contribution of women to knowledge, to the society, to the collection of dozen billion books that we have today, which if not for them, we wouldn’t have had them…..Been wondering what happened to our current society. We’ve certainly gone wrong somewhere. Somewhere a woman’s dreams die behind a closed door, beneath a crimson veil, below a culture’s coat. Lost in the pool of responsibilities shoved on her, she not only forgets the woman she once was, but also forgets who she wanted to be… Lets stop blaming anything. And go back to phase zero. And treat women like the RasoolAllah SAW did. Treat OURSELVES like he did, and just grow. There is nothing stopping us from growing, but ourselves.

“There are few needs greater right now in the Muslim community, than the training, education, and encouragement for women to become fully-trained Islamic scholars. Not complainers who write articles about why men suck, getting fame from it and rallying others on the “men are terrible” bandwagon to build their fan-base. Not people who are only doing it because of a deep seated resentment towards men and their supposed power.

But Scholars. Educated leaders who became trained because of their love for the knowledge that Rasulullah (s) brought to us and their desire to be part of that inheritance for the sake of God.

Women who command authority with ijaazah from a chain that connects them to Rasulullah’s (s) inheritance. Women who can give fatwa. Women who young sisters can call at anytime to receive advice. Women who can speak not only about women’s issues, but are both educated in the tradition, and aware of the world – such that they can tackle issues concerning multiple spheres at once.

As the father of two daughters, I cannot imagine a need more great. I am blessed to know dozens of qualified people I can call, text, email, or whatsapp at the drop of a hat if I have a faith crisis (God protect me). Do our sisters? Our daughters? I want my daughters to have the same level of comfort with teachers in the Deen that I have. There are so few. The ones I know of that are driven by Islamic values and not bitterly rooted gender or race bias, are game-changing figures on the scene of the community and are doing amazing work.” [Abdul Sattar]

It is so sad that something that was so natural during the time of the Prophet SAW, is now not only ‘fought for’ but also conveniently shoved under the umbrella of ‘feminism’.
#EnoughSaid

Coming Up- Let me grow Part 2: ‘Stories of women no one tells you about.’

When I missed my flight...

Leaving a second home, my college in Malaysia, already was hard. Leaving behind friends, a family for life, the lifestyle, the freedom, the independence, I was travelling back home leaving one world, to my parents, my other world. I was finally delighted to meet my parents after counting months, to weeks, to days, finally counting hours to meet them and hug them tight and not let them go. Little did I know the amazing experience of having learnt abroad for three and half years in Malaysia- deen, ethics, faith in Allah SWT- would all be put into a test within this one day.

I was taking the Saudia flight to Riyadh directly. Without informing me, Saudia itself changed my itinerary to taking two flights that included a transit via Jeddah, and the time difference between the two flights were fifteen minutes. Yeah! You read that right. Just fifteen minutes. So where am I going with this story?

After repeated warnings from my dad and sister about being quick and pro-active in claiming my luggage and checking in to the domestics flight and making sure I don’t miss the flight, I was sure I did everything correctly. I ran as fast as I could with 60kgs of luggage in my trolley, enquired the officers about my way to the domestic terminal.  Rushed and quickly took the elevator to the second level and I was sure I could check in on time and rush to the gate. I was actually proud of myself that for once, I would have made my parents proud with how responsible I was.  Nope. I missed the flight. At the check-in counter I was told the gate just closed and I needed some sort of a tag on my baggage which was pointless now because I missed the flight.

I went running up and down, from one officer to another, asking what is to be done. There must be a procedure. It was their fault to have changed my itinerary to an impractical timing. But to no avail. When no one was ready to help, stranded in a strange place, alone with no one by my side, people staring at me taking rounds around them with all my baggage and a little secret recipe cake I got for my family, I had no money to quench my thirst even, how would I buy a new ticket to home? I didn’t want to show anyone I was lost, because I was alone and I heard stories of people taking advantage of girls who were alone and needed help. I had no local sim card on my phone to contact my family and ask them not to go to the airport to receive me, because I wasn’t flying, I suddenly didn’t know what to do.

My next step was simple.  The call for the isha athaan was made and there was a comfortable prayer area for females. I needed to finish my Maghrib in the form of Qasr as well. So I decided to accept this situation I was in, as the Qadr of Allah, since I did everything possible in my hands to not let this happen, but it did. I said to myself ‘Qadr Allah wa maa shaa fa’al” . I went to the prayer area, made ablution, and took my time away from everything in this world. Yes, I was worried about how am I to go home, I missed home. I was tired from an eight hour flight already and I needed sleep and I just needed to see mom and dad. But keeping away all worries, I just stood in front of Him. It was the same Isha prayer, but a totally different me. I stood there, seeing how Big Allah SWT was and how helpless I was. How I needed Him. How anything was possible for Him, while I had nothing in hand. And so I spoke to Him in my Sujood. Told Him exactly these words- ‘Ya Allah, I really have nothing in my hand. I see no way out of this and Only You can help me. I didn’t put myself in this situation and I don’t want to worry my parents. Take me out of this situation and guide me to my way home, ya Rab!’

After resting a bit, I had to do something now to get out of there or at least let my parents know. I had friends in Jeddah but only their Malaysian phone numbers. No one would lend me their phone for an international call now. I walked out again, from one office to another, tired now with all the luggage. Still no one ready to help. Now my concern wasn’t about going home, but about my parents waiting in vain for me troubled about my absence. I needed to tell them and so I decided to look for someone to borrow a phone from. One missed call to my parents will do, I thought. They’ll call me back and I’ll tell them we will figure a way out.  I looked around and whispered in my head for Allah to guide me to the right people to go to. ‘Them?’ I asked myself, looking at an Asian looking old couple. ‘yeah, maybe’ I thought to myself and advanced towards them. I stood in front of them for five minutes, not having the courage to ask for help. I didn’t know if they would trust me. Right then, two children come running towards two other ladies sitting next to this couple screaming ‘Mama dekho! Mama dekho!’ (meaning in in Urdu: mummy, see!) Something suddenly pushed me to go to them instead. So I went to them and asked them politely if they spoke Urdu just to bond with them, and they nodded. Told them of my situation and they lent me their phone to inform my father. And then their family arrived from Pakistan so they had to go and so they left. I told them if my dad called back to tell him I was fine and am figuring a way out. While I sat there wondering what to do, surprisingly, five minutes later, they come back for me. She said to me I was alone and it wasn’t right to leave me just like that. Their uncle told them not to leave the airport until they were sure I was in safe hands. Shocked by the kindness of a stranger, I grabbed all their help with humility.

It took us two hours, and not only did they buy me a new ticket, a new simcard to call dad, gave me some money in hand to buy food or water, ran again from one office to another to ensure I get a seat in the next flight, waited with me for the seat confirmation while I bugged the Duty Manager every ten minutes, but also gave me so much moral support and told me not to despair. They had four small children waiting for them without dinner and they missed their family re-union at dinner as their aunt just arrived from Pakistan.

Indeed, Allah SWT sent me help.

When I told her, I really couldn’t thank her enough and was forever indebted to her, her reply brought me to tears. She said, and she said it without any hesitance, ‘I don’t even want the money back please just pray that my children grow up as righteous kids in this world full of distractions, and as Allah said to help a traveller, I am glad I got this chance to help you’

Simple words she said with so much ease but was so heavy on me. To this day, while I type from home, I remember her beautiful face and her beautiful character. She taught me so much in those words. I pray Allah SWT makes her children righteous and beloved to Him, and they walk to Jannah together. Ameen.

This may be a simple story of missing my flight, yet to me it was more: of trust in Allah SWT, of sincerity in helping someone in need and most of all, of displaying excellent character, that I saw in them. 

Reflection:  In reality, we all have missed our flights that we are yet to take to the Real Home. Only how many of us paid attention to His help? He guides us to it, in every moment we ask Him. We are indeed just travellers lost in this transit. Think about this.

Starting from me.

One day will come when we will realize that while we remained sitting in the train, everyone walked ahead of us. We thought we were learning, but we really didn't. We thought we were teaching, but what did we gain?

One day will come when we finally will realize that all this time we pointed fingers without realizing and forgot to look at the mirror ourselves.

One day will come, when everyone except us would have benefited .

One day will come come, when we will think of starting over again. When we'll realize that all those lessons were for us and not for them anyway. 

In  the end the battle was ours. And while everyone fought their way and shone, we were still sitting in the borderline waiting for something that wasn't going to happen. 

We didn't know but one day will come when we will.

What I mean is, most often we forget, what we do is for us. what we say, is for us to follow first. It has become easy for us to share statuses n qoutes and sayings for the world to benefit. Question is, how much are we paying heed.

We learn so much. Isn't it time to think and act differently? ;)

Shine and shape.

Each one of us is unique. Allah SWT has gifted each one of us with different talents. Embrace your talent. And let it grow.

Why?

Each one of us are created for a specific purpose. Perhaps that talent we are gifted with is the tool. Question yourself everyday, "What is my 'specific' purpose in life?" and you'll never be at peace.

Why?

Because there is so much to do. This world is in ruins. Shine, and shape this world. Don't let it shape you. ;)

Still life (2009)

2009

'Solitude On A Cold winter Night' (2009)

                                                        Some of my highschool paintings. 

Don't Be Sad.

Beautifully compiled video for anyone who is going through trials upon trials.

The simplest and most straightforward explanation of a believer's life: Perception of how one looks at things. Every trial is only a means to get closer to Allah SWT, to be purified to go to the most purest of places (Jannah), and expiation of sins. Thats it. Nothing else matters.

Alhamdulillah for every trial and for every ease in this worthless Dunya. :')

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SplxgG6rx5o

Some transcription from the video:

Pain and suffering only becomes negative if it creates a barrier between you and Allah SWT

But it becomes positive, a motivation for you when it brings you back to Allah SWT.

And this is when every individual who is going through pain and suffering needs to realize that this point of pain is not that Allah SWT wants to punish you but rather this is a call form Allah SWT, “O MY SLAVE, COME BACK TO YOUR LORD!” O my Slave, this is a reminder for you that I want to bring you back to Me.

And this is one of the wisdoms of trials and tribulations that while we call each other on the phone, while we text message each other, the calling of Allah SWT comes through trials and tribulations.

And you can react in one of two ways: Either you can deal with the pain at that moment and decide to get closer to Allah SWT. Or you can decide to just restrict that pain to yourself, not do anything about it, and then you will see, what it does to your deen. And this is the last stage of the cycle of isolation. That once you are isolated, you will see that eventually your deen starts to disappear. The content of your salah, the khushu in it, it disappears. Your ability to recite Quran is no longer there. Your ability to fast during the day, it gets taken away. What did you do differently? What you did was, you gave yourself into shaitan. And shaitan's promise is that he will lead you astray. He will lead you away from the path of Allah SWT.

So in times of trials and tribulations, you need to seek out the believers. You need to seek out the righteous. And let them be your guide and help to Allah SWT.

There is actually a blessing inside trials that we don’t perceive. The simplest trial that an individual will go through is that he is walking on the road, and he gets pricked by a thorn, and cause him to say ‘ouch!’ but its only for a split second. The Prophet SAW said, ‘That no individual is pricked by a thorn, except that Allah SWT purifies him with a sin for it”

Trials and tribulations are a means of purification. They are a means of purifying you so you can go to the purest of places.

The punishment of Allah is not out of anger or wrath, but rather is a means of cleansing you of your sins. It’s a preparation so that you can go to the noblest and purest places- Al firdaus al ala.

And this is why Allah swt sends trials and tribulations.

So don’t sit there and wonder why Allah put you in the situation you are in. There is no way you gonna figure it out. But Allah says in the Quran that Allah will make it absolutely clear. Why certain things happened to you in this world. If He tells you now, the test wouldn’t be the test.

Allah azza wa jal is choosing the most closest to Him because Allah SWT not only wants to give them the high darajah, and not only wants to give him that high station, and high rank in front of Him, but Allah SWT wants to also make him an example for other people, and he wants to make them people who actually produce and show that they have got a reason to go to jannah.

The Prophet SAW said, “ A believers affair is strange, when Allah blesses him with something good, and he thanks Allah, He enjoys the goodness Allah has given him. And allah rewards him. By thanking Allah he is getting more reward from Allah. And then when Allah takes something away, and replaces it with hardship, he makes sabr, and is getting so much reward from Allah. The reward Allah will give the people who make sabr, will have no limits and no bounds. (bi ghairi hisaab)

Allah sends hardship to get you in track. You haven’t made dua in a long time. Rush back to Allah. 

Sometimes, we only come the hardway. We have to be stuck between a rock and a hard place, to remember Allah SWT. And He opens the way for that. He sends us hardships to perfect us.

Tonnes of benefits in these hardships. The hardshop comes and its good for you. Because its pain. But pain is weakness leaving the body they say. If it doesn’t break you it makes you stronger. 

Don’t we know the stories of the Anbiya AS. They were the ones that were tested the most. Yet they never turned away from Allah SWT.

A little bit of difficulty comes, and we straight away ask ‘What have I done wrong? I prayed my 5 prayers. I give charity. I do this. I do that. Why has Allah picked on me? ‘

Why not us?

If allah SWT tested the anbiya, why cant He test us?

Allah swt says in surah baqarah 156, “Who, when afflicted with calamity, say: "Truly! To Allah we belong and truly, to Him we shall return."

In every tribulation you have in life, you can either turn back t Allah swt or you can turn away.

Allah gives difficulty to purify the muslims. And just like a diamond comes out of a coal, after heat and pressure, thus the believer comes out of his trials and tribulation. Purified and beautiful and invaluable. This is the state of the believer.

So number 1: Allah tests the believers to purify them

Number 2: Allah SWT purifies the sins of the muslim in the time of tribulation if he is patient.

Number 3: Allah SWT wants to bring his slaves closer to Him. Through trials and tribulations. Allah wants you to be close to Him. He wants you to increase in the Ibadah. He wants you to remember him more.

In that state of trial and tribulation, you feel weak, you feel helpless. And thus you turn back to Allah SWT. 

And this is what He wants. He tests you not to  punish you. But He tests you to strengthen that relationship in your life that you need the most. The relationship with Allah SWT.

These are just three benefits of trials and tribulations and this is the first step in changing our perception with how we deal with the trials and tribulations. These trials and tribultions in this world are limited. And nothing. When an individual understands this, he will be able to surpass and succumb everything. You just have to change your perception. On how you view those trials and tribulations.

Allah never takes away anything from his slave except that he replaces it with something better either in this life or the hereafter...

Far so uncertain...yet...

There is always a lovely way to look at things, you know?

There is nothing we can do to change destiny. But destiny....its beautiful. Written by the One whose amazing plans so far we couldn't fathom. And so will be the future: Far so uncertain,  yet surely to be as beautiful and perfectly inscribed in the books just as our beautiful past was.

So if we had to move on from a perfect phase of life, then alhamdulillah for having had that blessing in the first place.

Its a bit comforting to realize the blessing of having met beautiful souls in the first place, in order to overcome the grief of separation. This blessing in itself is a sign to hope to cross paths again or meet more beautiful souls along the way...The only pain lies in knowing it wont be the same again n that you don't want to move on...yet isn't most of our pain self chosen? Everything lies in His hands, except choice. Only we can chose to lessen the pain. By being content with Him in our hearts. Being content with His love and care for us. Leave behind the dunya and walk to Him. He will come running to us. He promised that. And that unconditional love, is beyond all needs. :')

One by one Allah just keeps sending us tests slowly only to make us stronger. And none but He actually even helps us through it! One by one He takes those people in your hearts away from you. Not so much but atleast a little away. So what remains first, in it, is Him.

It was always about going back to Him. Every seeming test.. And when we face it and come out if it as a better being, an inch more closer to Him, rather than running away, then only we have hopefully passed it.

There is always a lovely way to look at things.

And we cannot ever thank Him enough for guiding us the way He does. Alhamdulillah ala kulli haal.

Excellence. It's who we are. By default.

She said to me with tears in her eyes, that she feels like she  was unconscious for three years. Completely lost and forgot who she really was. Her dreams weren't the same anymore. And she didn't think of things the same way anymore.

Shocked at my colleague's reflection of our college life, I stare at her in awe. Of trying to understand how the same world that has completely changed me. A world and the same place that helped me find myself in the past three years, completely eluded her. Knowing the amazing, fun loving, creative and ever so dreamy and adventurous person she is, I was amazed she saw nothing in her but the feeling of not being good enough for anything.

"It's not anyone. It's just me." "It's who I am" "I'm just so sure of myself that I'm not worth it"

One out of every five friends I have has said this statement.
:(

This world is so cruel in the way it moulds our mind.

Yes. After years of trying to figure out what was wrong with me, I now learnt that all the while it wasn't me, but the world itself. This cruel world.

That tells you to join a school that kills your creativity. That tells you to shut up when you know the answer. That pops your bubble when you tried to see happiness in small things. That tells you,  you simply aren't good enough.

That teaches you that success is more important than the effort.  Victory is better than courage.
That giving up means losing. And letting go means giving up.

WRONG. I repeat. This cruel world is messed up.

Most often, we don’t realize that the source of our happiness has been in the outcomes of any effort. Now, when suddenly the outcomes just don’t seem to match our expectations, no matter how hard we try, internally we just don’t feel happy. We don’t feel satisfied. Instead, we feel demotivated, and like a complete failure.

Yet, Often we forget- excellence is the only thing by and for which we were created. Nothing less. By default, excellence and success is what our heritage is.If only we can see it, even when everything around us seems otherwise..

We really need to unlearn a lot of things this world taught us, and learn to live life ourselves. We need to re-find the us in us.

When Allah swt has Himself said He has created us perfectly,  what is it about ourselves that we are allowed to complain about then?
Our character, our shape, our color, our thoughts- what belongs so much to us? He has moulded everything.  And If Excellence is what Allah says it is, then excellence it is.

So forget what the world has claimed you to be. Go write that beautiful article. Because your vocabulary doesnt matter. Your expression does. Go paint your wall. It will have a meaning,  a story and a part of you in it. Go speak up. Because if you don't,  noone will. Dare to do the brave things. Trust me you will lose nothing. So apply for admissions to harvard. Build that business you have dreamt of establishing. Make that art gallery dream come true. Tell people proudly what's your cgpa and let them know how successful your semester was,  despite your cgpa that the world thought must be flat 4. Turn a deaf ear to those who mock you. Stay with those who let you be yourself.

Don't let anyone be the judge of your potential.  Not even yourself.

If you let the world mould you, it will, without doubt. But if you change your perspective, it cannot do anything.

And only you can do this to yourself.

You are YOU. And you are Excellent.

Lots of stories left unsaid...

If only one could capture time
and make it stop. But then again
I'll want more. The Human
heart is so weird.

When will it contain enough?
When will it stop taking more?
When will it stop wanting more?

How can your heart  be so full and so empty at the same time, coz right now, it is....

I'll be back, inshaAllah

WOW its been ages since the last post. I have missed writing down my thoughts.

A LOT has been happening. LOADS of new AMAZING lessons I learnt coming up...inshaAllah...

Until then, this should suffice:

 "When you have patience in standing in front of Allah SWT at night, He will give you patience in dealing with people during the day." 

That wet carpet that didn't weep....

So she captured a moment today. Not in her DSLR. Not in her phone's camera.
In her heart and her mind.
The moment where a faithful, hopeful one sat behind a pillar and prayed.
Prayed until she knew she was to be granted what she asked for, for sure.

The carpet that was wet, but it wasn't the one that wept
The concrete column in front, but wasn't stronger than her faith
That hopeful heart...for her wishes and dreams to come true
That grateful soul...for all the dreams she's so far been through...

She captured it. And when her heartfelt pleas to Allah are answered, she will remember it and see it again...

Unlearn?

So she wishes to go back in time to unlearn it all, simply because of the joy in learning...
But the pain of knowing all of some things pulls her back to want to stop...
So can she stop this world for a bit please and first learn how to go on?

Or shall she step over fears and walk over broken bridges and just make it to the end that never ends but keeps going on?

Miracles happen.

Miracles do happen, don’t they?

It happened to Musa AS when he stood facing the sea ahead with an army behind to get him. He had nowhere to go when the sea parted and made way for him.

It happened to Yunus AS when he prayed in the belly of the fish; he came out alive and safe.

It happened for Prophet SAW when the moon split open.

It happened to Ibrahim AS when he witnessed Allah SWT give life back to the dead birds.

These are the bigger examples. There are innumerable instances from the lives of innumerable people of the past that one could go on. But why go on, if we don’t take it to ourselves. Isn’t it a miracle in itself for Musa AS to be protected and brought up safely by his own enemy?

These are Prophets I am talking about. But they were humans as much as we are.

I have come to realize that Allah SWT narrates these examples

to us not just for our entertainment, but for us to comprehend the deeper meaning behind it.

How much do I have faith in Allah SWT in asking Him for a miracle in my life? When Ibrahim AS knew he was going to be thrown into the fire, wasn’t it very idealistic of him to say ‘Hasbun Allahu wa ni’mal wakeel’? Yet, for that simple reason, Allah SWT ordered the laws of the universe to change and made the fire to be 'safety for him'. [Allah said, "O fire, be coolness and safety upon Ibrahim." Quran, 21:69]

Some miracles can be logical and some just wont. The rainbow is a miracle. And one can scientifically explain it. On the other hand, the splitting of the  moon is a miracle, but how much can one explain it...

Having faith in Allah SWT empowers one and strengthens us to not bend down or lose hope. How much has it remained this way in our lives?

'Dua: Ya Allah whatever You have written for me please make easy for me and let my heart stay away from that which you have not destined for me. Ameen!" :')

Translation: 'It is said that beautiful dreams come true with Dua'

If my eyes went blind tomorrow..

A question: If I couldn't see tomorrow..
what would I have longed to see?


If I couldn't see tomorrow
I would yearn to see my mother's smile
while I pressed her feet..
And would long to see my fathers laughter
while I joked to him..

If I couldn't see tomorrow
I would cry and wish to read more books
I would want to write and learn and paint and beautify my walls


If my eyes went blind tomorrow
I would have wanted that one last look into the mirror
To see myself without any complaints
I'd know that it was always an image, while what looked at it was a soul

If my eyes went blind tomorrow
I would miss the sky's cerulean blue and the cloud's white shapes

A blue scarf or a turquoise- it wouldn't have mattered to me

What would have mattered would be my Hijab in its place

If I couldn't see tomorrow

I would tell every friend of mine

That I still thought they were beautiful in their own ways

And to some of them I'd say

Being themselves was the best they were

If I couldn't see tomorrow,
I would have wished to have been careful with my gaze
While I had the chance
I would have wished to make the best of everything I had

If my eyes went blind tomorrow
I would have known how it felt to see
I would know how it felt to not
And I would know...that you can't blind me
After You had shown me the light

If my eyes went blind tomorrow
If darkness was my only light
If light, felt forgotten..
If my name just became a sympathy
If my dreams just remained dreams

I would know that yesterday I could have seen
and now my eyes just went blind.

So maybe I would have lived life to the fullest
Even when I have lost my sight
Then why wait for all that until I couldn't see?

But what if...

you couldn't find me tomorrow

Would I have made that bit of a difference

that you would have looked for me?

And then again, I ask,

If you knew you couldn't see tomorrow, 

Then...

What would you have done today?

Who are you? Who will you be?

Question: what would you do if you weren't afraid?

Me: I'd love.

I wanted to tell you how it felt to feel infinity wen I floated in the sea.
Thought i would hold your hands and we'd feel it together
I would tell you of the diving against the tide
Of the sky n sea ahead
Of the sunset above the horizon
Of the pink shade above the clouds..
Of peace in being able to hear nothing but my breathing while i floated and looked up at the blue..
I would tell you about the dreams I saw of gardens and flowers in them..and of waves and beautiful fishes in them and of palaces and my repeated dreams of them.
And then I would tell you of those dreams that came true.
I would think of you in my roadtrips and hoped you loved them too.
I wanted to sing to you sometimes. And sometimes I wished you were there to sing to me.
I would walk by the shore..leaving trails of my footsteps and wished they were accompanied by yours soon.

I would race with you and know I'd win. ;)
I sat by the rocks and drew a picture of you and me but the waves washed it away.i wished to tell you a million things more while you are sitting by my side.

I hoped you would hold my hands and  promise to take me forever. I simply wish I could talk to you of the simplest of things in life. I simply hoped to find a companion in you.

I wish I knew who you were. And then again I wonder if you ever wished the same too.

They will learn. Differently.

One thing is for sure. I will teach my children differently.

They will be happy for real. They will find joy in their own way. They will have the freedom to choose. They will travel the world with me. Or maybe on their own too. They will explore. They will not be given ipods and ipads until they know they have grown up. They will feel the sand in the beach; the shore and the sea. They will play in the playgrounds. They will have quality time with family. They will speak openly anything and everything to me. They will have a mutual best friend in their family. They will know to fight for their sister. They will paint their walls if they want to. They will make sandcastles. They will fly kites. They will go cycling and skating. They will learn to say 'i love you' and 'Sorry' a lot more. They will know that actions speak more than those words. They will learn to cuddle, to hug and to feel love for real. They will learn that Quran is their guide. They will have to turn to it at all times. They will see to stand up to the Sunnah even if it meant to stand alone. I will learn to realize they can grow up to make decisions. They can be on their own as long as they are trusted. They can fall in love as long as they are honest and committed. They will see the ups in life. They will also see the downs. They will learn to give wholeheartedly. They will learn to receive humbly. They will learn to buy gifts. They will learn to make their own hobbies. They will learn to bake. They will learn to gain knowledge and not just educational degrees. They will choose their own struggles. They will fight their own battles. They will know about writing letters. Messages in a bottle will be their own. They will visit their grandparents often. They will learn to sew if they’d like their own dresses. They will learn to write if they’d want to read more. They will make their own library at home. They will learn to lead prayers. They will learn to teach. They will learn to make mistakes. They will learn to learn. They will learn to get scared. They will learn to be strong. They will learn to complain. They will learn to forgive. Most of all, they will learn the insignificance of this life. Yet they will learn to be concerned when they need to be.They will learn to connect to Allah alone. They will learn to ask from Him. They will learn to let go.

They will learn to live life to the fullest. They will perhaps live a part of my life. And perhaps they will live a lot more!

Hussaina and Me: Jubail beach. [My fav pic]

The same souls. The same laughter.

Writers..

"Writers are forgetful,

but they remember everything.
They forget appointments and anniversaries,
but remember what you wore,
how you smelled,
on your first date…
They remember every story you’ve ever told them -
like ever,
but forget what you’ve just said.
They don’t remember to water the plants
or take out the trash,
but they don’t forget how
to make you laugh.

Writers are forgetful
because
they’re busy
remembering
the important things."

Stolen from sisters tumblr.  [http://girlinthegreenhijab.tumblr.com/]

I write..

"Where do you go when you really want to express your feelings and there isn't anyone who would talk to you?", she asked.

'I write' i replied.

"How still, do you feel you have expressed yourself?"

'When you write a piece, you have lost a part of you. Given it to the paper. Sometimes its read. Sometimes its taken away by the one you intended to write if for. Taken away and fixed into their soul', I replied.

'When you write..you release a part of you into the paper. To be read by the world that would have never known what was within you.

I know I would never know who reads, but I also know that if I write praying the intended ones to read, then Allah would somehow take it to them..so I write and say a million things to them in my head.'

Painful Peace..

In painful peace I bleed
Only You see my cry
Yet in Your creation I have greed..
But only You can help me try

I look around and try so hard
To fill my heart with peace
To fill this void with love
I turn away and run from You
Yet there is no refuge from You except in You

I run away and I look for happiness
In temporary joy I float...
I hold on to it and hold it tight
But it just leaves me alone

Most of my pain is self chosen
If I could, I should chose to let go
Of the poison in my drink
Of the attachment I linger in

So forgotten I feel..
So insignificant I seem..
Perhaps my aim was mistaken
Perhaps I searched in the wrong places

You honored me with Your gift
Yet, too long it took me to see it.
I crushed the flower You gifted me
Yet, still I live with its essence in my hands

I stay with hope to feel touched
By the promise You made was true
I wander around, I pray desperately
In shattered hope of getting back to You

You said You'll run to me if I walk to You

But what if I'm still crawling?

If crawling lets me bend down, fall on my knees

Then to You I bow begging

"Give up! Its futile to try!" My mind says
Yet, still..my heart talks to me,
"A little effort goes a long way"
It stirs some hope in me

Shall I hang on?

To this rope of hope, so thin.

As long as You are at the other end of it.

Painful is my sorrow
Peaceful is my hope
In painful peace I bleed
And only You see me cry

All I have to do is try
All I had to do was try..

 

Note: The flower here refers to Islam. Gifted by Allah.

While she walked alone

Along the long deserted street she treads

Walking alone, she feared..

Aching for company she stared at the sky

Not too long and the star winked at her smile

Her teary eyes sparkled back at the heavens

She looked around for the earth to be shadowy

Night it was, but the land seemed to love her bare feet

The sky, like a huge blanket of harmony

The path like a vast carpet of victory...

Nobody is around so she opens her veil

Taking the chance, a chill breeze kisses her soft pink cheeks

She searches for play and looks around with hope

And Swiftly hears the winds play with her hair

Again, she stares at the dark starlit sky

One by one, they all wave 'Hi!'

She ogles at the unending pathway

The road just lights up with each tree pass by

She felt like singing so she revealed her secrets to the wind

The birds sang back to her, almost as if they understood her so well

She yearned and prayed for her dreams to come true

Looks around and sees,

Isn't she a part of someone else's dream too?

Hope stirs in her glee

Love makes her, with joy,  flee

Happiness engulfs her all along

Her sorrow lingers yet the cheerfulness overpowers it

A forgotten memory faded away with her soft song

Far across the street, a sweet music she hears

The song of peace, the song of a lullaby

It felt like the road recorded her delicate steps

That the birds sang for her all along so passionately

That the crescent moon smiled at her so gently

While the stars watched over her with so much intent

So she rejoiced at her own company

Yes, She bled readily and gladly

At the pain of knowing too much love

She walked along the lonely street

And realized she wasn't really alone at all.

[Deeper than whats written. Has a long story, almost like an entire life story behind it, with beautiful lessons learnt along the way]

I have better beautiful pictures of the same road.
 But this is the picture taken exactly when this piece was felt.
But somehow i cant do justice to the feeling, with my words. :(

Beautiful. Simply.

"there is nothing more beautiful than seeing a person be themselves"

Taken from younger sister's Tumblr...

The Fork in the Road

As I reach closer to my goal, I realize my heart is racing faster away from it. The more close I go towards it, the more I do not want the end to come. I question myself why every moment I can possibly think. Perhaps what my goal was wasn’t intended to please the Almighty in the first place? Perhaps my heart doesn’t feel at peace with the many compromises I am making to achieve what I imagined to be right? Perhaps I didn’t make the right decisions in the first place? Perhaps…

I do not know what decision to make. What should have been and what has been isn’t under my control. That’s all I know for now. But what can be now depends upon the decision I make now. I am wedged up in a maze. Or to put it in better words, I am facing a fork in the road. And there is no one who can help me chose the right way except Him, because there is no one standing here facing the fork. I stand here alone wanting to traverse both the roads that lie ahead of me. But both go far ahead and apart from each other.

Two different roads. Two different journeys. One little heart.

I wish and I desire and I hope and I want real badly from the deepest core of my heart that He comes down to me and guides me to the road He wants me to take.

As the clock tick every second, my heart races faster to a feeling of deep discomfort. More fearful. More sad. More scared. More lost.

Where am I heading? I don't know...