Painful Peace..

In painful peace I bleed
Only You see my cry
Yet in Your creation I have greed..
But only You can help me try

I look around and try so hard
To fill my heart with peace
To fill this void with love
I turn away and run from You
Yet there is no refuge from You except in You

I run away and I look for happiness
In temporary joy I float...
I hold on to it and hold it tight
But it just leaves me alone

Most of my pain is self chosen
If I could, I should chose to let go
Of the poison in my drink
Of the attachment I linger in

So forgotten I feel..
So insignificant I seem..
Perhaps my aim was mistaken
Perhaps I searched in the wrong places

You honored me with Your gift
Yet, too long it took me to see it.
I crushed the flower You gifted me
Yet, still I live with its essence in my hands

I stay with hope to feel touched
By the promise You made was true
I wander around, I pray desperately
In shattered hope of getting back to You

You said You'll run to me if I walk to You

But what if I'm still crawling?

If crawling lets me bend down, fall on my knees

Then to You I bow begging

"Give up! Its futile to try!" My mind says
Yet, still..my heart talks to me,
"A little effort goes a long way"
It stirs some hope in me

Shall I hang on?

To this rope of hope, so thin.

As long as You are at the other end of it.

Painful is my sorrow
Peaceful is my hope
In painful peace I bleed
And only You see me cry

All I have to do is try
All I had to do was try..

 

Note: The flower here refers to Islam. Gifted by Allah.

While she walked alone

Along the long deserted street she treads

Walking alone, she feared..

Aching for company she stared at the sky

Not too long and the star winked at her smile

Her teary eyes sparkled back at the heavens

She looked around for the earth to be shadowy

Night it was, but the land seemed to love her bare feet

The sky, like a huge blanket of harmony

The path like a vast carpet of victory...

Nobody is around so she opens her veil

Taking the chance, a chill breeze kisses her soft pink cheeks

She searches for play and looks around with hope

And Swiftly hears the winds play with her hair

Again, she stares at the dark starlit sky

One by one, they all wave 'Hi!'

She ogles at the unending pathway

The road just lights up with each tree pass by

She felt like singing so she revealed her secrets to the wind

The birds sang back to her, almost as if they understood her so well

She yearned and prayed for her dreams to come true

Looks around and sees,

Isn't she a part of someone else's dream too?

Hope stirs in her glee

Love makes her, with joy,  flee

Happiness engulfs her all along

Her sorrow lingers yet the cheerfulness overpowers it

A forgotten memory faded away with her soft song

Far across the street, a sweet music she hears

The song of peace, the song of a lullaby

It felt like the road recorded her delicate steps

That the birds sang for her all along so passionately

That the crescent moon smiled at her so gently

While the stars watched over her with so much intent

So she rejoiced at her own company

Yes, She bled readily and gladly

At the pain of knowing too much love

She walked along the lonely street

And realized she wasn't really alone at all.

[Deeper than whats written. Has a long story, almost like an entire life story behind it, with beautiful lessons learnt along the way]

I have better beautiful pictures of the same road.
 But this is the picture taken exactly when this piece was felt.
But somehow i cant do justice to the feeling, with my words. :(

Beautiful. Simply.

"there is nothing more beautiful than seeing a person be themselves"

Taken from younger sister's Tumblr...

The Fork in the Road

As I reach closer to my goal, I realize my heart is racing faster away from it. The more close I go towards it, the more I do not want the end to come. I question myself why every moment I can possibly think. Perhaps what my goal was wasn’t intended to please the Almighty in the first place? Perhaps my heart doesn’t feel at peace with the many compromises I am making to achieve what I imagined to be right? Perhaps I didn’t make the right decisions in the first place? Perhaps…

I do not know what decision to make. What should have been and what has been isn’t under my control. That’s all I know for now. But what can be now depends upon the decision I make now. I am wedged up in a maze. Or to put it in better words, I am facing a fork in the road. And there is no one who can help me chose the right way except Him, because there is no one standing here facing the fork. I stand here alone wanting to traverse both the roads that lie ahead of me. But both go far ahead and apart from each other.

Two different roads. Two different journeys. One little heart.

I wish and I desire and I hope and I want real badly from the deepest core of my heart that He comes down to me and guides me to the road He wants me to take.

As the clock tick every second, my heart races faster to a feeling of deep discomfort. More fearful. More sad. More scared. More lost.

Where am I heading? I don't know...

The little things that make the big things, bigger..:)

I learnt a lot of new different things in this trip to India...

I learnt patience from khala and didi watching them handle their impossibly pesty little kids...

I saw respect when my jeeju sat for two hours straight just listening to his really old aged mother speak and speak without a pause in their first re-union after five years...

I recognized the blessing of youth and being fully alive by looking at grandma and the age on her face and walk...

I learnt that any place is a place to play and be happy as long as its in my mind, from my nieces who would make anything an item of play and any place a playground...

I learnt that the moon will always be visible under the palm tree in my balcony if I keep watching it from the same spot. The view changes only if I change my perspective of looking at things...

I learnt to slow down..and take life as it comes...and be calm with everything from all the elderly people there :)

Mom and dad will never ask for help but will be delighted if I am at service to them...and a warm smile and some massage for their feet goes a long way into their hearts..

I learnt that calling my five year old niece a princess, makes her day! :)

I learnt that building sand castles with the kids are the most beautiful memories I can make out of sand in my backyard...

I learnt that because I will never know who reads and who will read my posts, I will keep writing..

I learnt that every day i thought of my parents...but whenever i went back home,they looked much different than the last time i saw them when I left them- more lines on their face, their limbs getting weaker, their memory not so sharp..n they talk much less n listen even less... On the same note, they seem much more content..n a bit more happy for the little things in life hamdulillah..

I cherished my dads smile. He has the best smile in the whole world!

I loved having three brothers(in-laws) and all my sisters and my parents at home. I learnt that family time is the BEST of blessings one can have.

I learnt that kids will love me if I pay attention to them and play and giggle with them...

I learnt that happiness multiplies...when I share love.

I learnt a lot more that's in my heart and I learnt that I still want to learn more... ;)

Letters to the Almighty Part III

Letters to the Almighty Part 3.

2:56 AM.

I cry, I twist. I turn.I can't sleep.

I remember all those wonderful memories. I remember I locked myself up in my room and cried my heart to You. I remember You woke me up when I really wanted to pray to You and my alarm clock crashed. I remember those days when I asked you something and you gave it to me the very next possible moment. I remember crying on the prayer mat simply because I finally felt at peace praying. I remember feeling cared for when I didn't deserve it.

Now, I feel lonely all of a sudden. I thought I missed my best friends. But, no, not really. I can't feel better after talking to them. I thought I missed my parents. But now they are right here. I thought I needed a break. But I'm IN a break. And this loneliness. Is only getting worse.

3:00 AM.

And I don't feel the essence of you being here anymore. I can't sleep. But I can't feel the sweetness in standing up and asking You for Your love. :'(

I know why I feel lonely. I miss You. I miss when You comforted me for the littlest of things.  I miss feeling happy. I miss You.

And I know that nothing can ever bring me back to You, except You.I will keep trying. Until I can cry my heart to You and feel Your embrace.

Dua- Ya rabb, please let me come back to You.

In journeys, I write..

A ride under the crescent moon sky..
Something about going back home gets me all emotional..
It may not be the most comfortable ride or a smooth road even, yet if u keep ur eyes open...u can see a lot of beautiful things.

U see humility wen fences made of dried leaves pass u. Wen goats n cows cross ur path n the busdriver almost trips u down braking the vehicle to save their lives.

Yu see love..when the calf drinks from its mother...wen a newly wed hold hands n get into the cafe...wen an old grandpa shares his drink with the old grandma...wen dad addresses mom as 'd'ey!!' like shes a little kid...

U see beauty..wen u look at the dark cerulean sky decorated with stars far across and high above painted with a crescent moon..when ur niece spins  with joy simply because yu said she was yur princess :)

U see happiness..wen u see an old man enter his tattered house n hug his wife n give her his earnings for the day..wen his children leave their toys and run n jump over him n hug him...

U see contentment..wen u hear laughter..from a house that merely looks like a house but for sure is someones home...

U see curiosity n excitement wen u cant view the afar..due to the darkness of the pitch black night..

U see life..
Only if u open your eyes...

Along my journey of writing in Arabic.. :)

Guess who went Bunjee Jumping!

Yes! Meeeeeeeee!

Sometimes, All you need to do is break that box that got built up in your head and break freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Anis n me went bunjee jumping. We screamed first. and then hugged mid-air. And then felt the wind on  our face. And then right when we were sure to hit the water, we bounced bck up again.

Mid air, all I could do was talk to Allah saying- ' Ya Allah, if you could tick this of my dream list, you can tick off ALL of them too!!' ;)

Sigh. It felt awesome.

Anis n me screamed like our brothers and laughed about it- 'OOHHOOOOOOO!!' and 'لول

and more....haha!

When we were hanging upside down, we only laughed our heads off instead of screaming.

Anis: Why arent we feeling afraid? 

Me: 'erm..Taqwa?' :D :D lol. juskidding.

YES I WILL DO THIS AGAIN. AND AGAIN.

Just miss the bus man! :D

hehe, So i was sitting in the bus stop. and it was time for the bus to leave back to university.
People came running to catch the bus. I just sat there, and didnt take the bus. Simply coz it wasn't interesting enough. =D

I just decided to wait for the next one. So what if it seemed strange? So what if I didn't follow the norm?

Sometimes, its good to just break free, And let your mind and heart freeeeeeeeee. Come out of that little box. =)

This world is worth nothing man! BREAAAK FREEEEEE!!! =)

My Little Escapade…

16^th April ‘13

Tuesday

People all around are in a rush. I paused for half an hour and just sat to watch. That guy in blue checked shirt is enjoing his own sweet time with his date. Even though these two sisters are immersed in their smart phones, they manage to finish their food and look at each other and make a supplication together. There is a grey haired Chinese man who just smiled at his wife and gave her a piece of cake. I caught their son watching me, perhaps he is wondering how I'd eat with my face covered. :D

A really pretty girl in her golden hijab just smiled with so much shyness at someone I can’t see. The couple next to me seem so sweet. He bought her a slice of cake and is just smilingly watch her eat. Two girls sit far in the opposite end, laughing at each other’s entertainment. Both lost in their little world.

If only I had a bit more money, I would have definitely paid a treat for this Chinese family sitting by my side. I respect that they value family time. I respect that none of them are busy in their own conversations. I took a few minutes to write to myself and then I cried. Coz I just saw that love still exists in this world that I hate. I guess coz I just saw it in them. So beautiful how the father just finished his food, and his wife just passed her plate to him for him to help her finish. There wasn’t any conversation. Not any word. Just one look. Of love. :)

She then just smiled and said something in Chinese to her son and they all smiled. Ah How I miss my mother’s smile! So much warmth! :(

How strange can it be, to be in a world that is beautiful, and yet so painful?

I stood up to pay a treat for them and leave anonymously…but I won’t tell you if I did it ;)

You know why?

I found out, they were celebrating their son’s birthday.. :’)

How I wish I had taken a picture of them!!

My journal where I originally wrote the above account...

Belief..from a different view.

All we need is to believe in Him more. Most often, we don’t realize that the source of our happiness has been in the outcomes of any effort. Now, when suddenly the outcomes just don’t seem to match our expectations, no matter how hard we try, internally we just don’t feel happy. We don’t feel satisfied. Instead, we feel demotivated, and like a complete failure.

I should believe in Allah. (In Abeer’s words) What I mean by that is that often we forget- excellence is the only thing by and for which we were created. Nothing less. By default, excellence and success is what our heritage is.

If only we can see it, even when everything around us seems otherwise..

Because often, reality is not what is seen, but that which is hidden. That’s what trust is, That’s what Belief is. 

I guess. And I hope. I really really hope.

Dua- ‘O Allah, guide me to see happiness and contentment in what You decree for me, and please decree the Best of Your gifts for me’

Let me grow...

[Note: It's too personal. Not beneficial]

Everyday, as I go through my list of dreams that I aim to fulfill in life, I only get more and more scared.
I had put away thoughts of marriage. Coz It isn't my priority right now. But...it hit me hard that it will come when it has to come right? :(
The thought scares me more than anything else. Will I find the perfect someone? Who will let me grow. Someone who will read my dream list and say he aimed to tread the same path too..
Should I go on with hopes in my dreams? Yes. Will I get the perfect someone. I don't know.

The only thought that keeps me going is that while Allah SWT has planned my life so beautifully so far, so He would have, for my future too.

Can I just be me and still see you in me?

Wouldn't you let me be your silent sunshine?

And in the nights when I cry, I know I'm heard by You. So there is nothing else I can ever ask for.

Who knows..

Who loves the smell of coffee on a silent rainy day?

Who loves the touch of sunshine along a wintry walk way?

Who loves the sparkle of raindrops over the ground  on a dark starry night?

Who loves the sky's pink scarf during twilight?

Who loves  the white sheath of fog amidst the clouds after a serene sunrise?

Who thinks of you once that lights up their eyes?

Who sees this and reads between the lines?

Who loves and knows love won't heal the ties..

Who loves and knows..every night a new hope dies..

But who loves and knows..a beautiful promise is made every sunrise..

Who loves? And Who knows?

That the silent sunshine

touched the sky

and softly prays

for the smile you lent today...

Life paused?

Its so beautiful to see people grow in their fondness towards Allah...
At the same time, it pains to see the same reflection over the mirror for the past few years,same face, same soul, while the others have moved on and become better beings day by day (masha'Allah for them).

Step up Sameera!!

Dua- 'Ya Allah, make me an extra-ordinary slave of yours!'

Beautiful Metaphor..

'I was a dying flame
on the edge of paper
until you came along
as the most gentle breeze
and reignited my soul,
your soft touch breathed
the vibrance back into me
and I began to glow again,
this time with the hope
of forever providing you
with warmth.'

(via borntobemuslim)

Where do I fit then?

It's just so beautiful to see birds on the green grass. Hearing them tweet and sing and watching them jump up and down...Little do we realize, that their place does not lie within our grounds..but by the skies, the clouds and the winds that carry their song..Yeap, that's where they fit...

Makes me wonder...If I hate this world, where do I fit then?

Soliloquy

Abeer: 'Soliloquy'

Sis hailey: 

I know there's only me, not a soul out there. No ear to hear my call, no hand to extend, to lift me out of this freezing waters that numb my senses, my thoughts appearing as fuzzy as my sight. Yet...

*would you like to continue sam? *

Sam: 

Yet I look ahead and far I see..

A ray of hope stirs in me glee..
Far across this vast ocean and sea..
Something that most often we don't perceive..
Doesn't the sky still meet the sea?
Precisely penciled in a thin line, so much harmony..
This ocean may be too vast,
But sure has its destiny..
Clearly written and painted by the One, simply beautifully.. :) 

Tanjung Bidara Beach Resort, Melaka (LEC)

Lol. I just speak when given the chance :D

'Somewhere along the line, you lose the desire to desire. A point where whatever comes your way is welcomed and what doesn't is least bothered about. Maybe this very feeling is the objective of our trials; to take away that yearning for this dunya from our hearts.

Maybe this is the end of it all....'

Source Unknown. Yet, I couldn't have related to anything as much as this statement. Alhamdulillah maybe?

Harmony

Ever observed closely the flight of a bird? It flaps its wings a few times, goes up high, and then lets loose. Goes with the flow. Feels a float...So beautiful. So peaceful. So exciting!

Feel it, He's Beautiful.

Right now, I'm looking outside my window, up at the sky. And I see a flock of birds flying in circles like they are playing a game. Some seem to simply be flying together spirally, in couples, up and then fly back down together. I would say they are feeling the breeze on their face, but that would be a very humanly perspective of a bird's flight. To a bird, it's a norm. And to add to it, not only does He just grant them this beautiful sense of enjoyment, but He paints them in a lovely canvas of a pink and orange sky with feathery white clouds, a bit of drizzle, and a beautiful view of earth from up there.

It's just so beautiful and makes me so happy to see them happy. So beautiful to see Allah's way of making His creation enjoy their lives. So unimaginable to comprehend His beauty when His creation is so beautiful. And so amazing to know there are so many lessons just at the sight of the flight of the birds..

It is in these moments that I realize, how wonderfully meticulously He has taken care of every little creation of His. And how all of them seem to be in so much harmony simply because they take what's given and do what's to be done. See a lesson there?

Happily rejoicing Allah's source of entertainment, logging off! 

'[And] who created seven heavens in layers. You do not see in the creation of the Most Merciful any inconsistency. So return [your] vision [to the sky]; do you see any breaks?'...

'And We have certainly beautified the nearest heaven with stars'...

'Do they not see the birds above them with wings outspread and [sometimes] folded in? None holds them [aloft] except the Most Merciful. Indeed He is, of all things, Seeing.' 

[Verses from Surah Mulk]

Self-introspection..

Sometimes we need to show people we need them in our life. Not because we really need them. But simply because deep inside, we know we love them. We need to break down that ego. Smash away the conceit. And crush that gigantic devil inside ourselves- the devil of self-importance.  And just show them we need them once in a while. Show them we care for them and will be there for them, even if we can't. Because gratitude is not just thanking, but cherishing. Cherishing what? Their presence.

Otherwise, one by one, they'll leave. And that day will come when we open our eyes only to see that everyone has walked away from our life. Everyone.

If an apology could mend a friendship, then be it.

If a 'Thankyou' could bring a smile, then be it.

If a smile could make a day, then be it.

If a silence could mend a heart, then be it...

If only we all could crush this gigantic devil of ego within us, this world and our relationships would be a lot different. Starting from me.

'Out of gratitude'

Lesson Learnt.

Just yesterday morning I was questioning myself  'Why me? in between all the mess. It is not even concerned with my life. I could just say no..and move on' I was just going to text someone asking them to deal with this and i didnt want to be involved anymore.

And then Allah SWT sent reminders through His ways..

Anam di had a recent status update that just hit me hard: 'You may run after people to give you a job, to let you volunteer, to let you showcase your talent... they may or may not let you; you may or may not be able to 'impress' them. But, in the end, the decision is made far above and beyond these people... it is Allah who recruits people to work for Him... so stop putting your hopes in so-n-so, put your trust in HIM, work to get recruited by HIM, beg HIM to use you... and if He does, you need not worry if you died a kindergarden teacher, CEO of the biggest company, or alone quitely in a far off bed - HE WILL PAY YOUR WAGES, AND HE DOES NOT DISAPPOINT.'

The line, ' it is Allah who recruits people to work for Him...' kept ringing in my head.

And then Sis nurraine sends a message to me:

'Do this out of your sincere gratitude' 

SubhanAllah, did we ever think of helping someone just to be grateful to Allah SWT?

Sometimes we just forget the whole purpose of doing something...I thought it was my responsibilty...but no, it was just supposed to be my reaction to Allah's love..

Sitting here, typing this, I feel too shameful, sinful and terrible to even think 'Allah loves me' like she said. And if it is true, then I really still don't know why.

But will always keep this in mind. 

Hopefully, Hoooppeefullllyy this is a gift from Allah to get closer to Him. :')

The same bag that felt like a burden last night, now feels so light, like a little gift...Hamdulillah.

He said 'Its taken care of' :)

After talking to millions of people...okay no, scratch that. After talking to about 500 people :D
there is only one lesson I could grasp - Satisfaction gained from discussing anything with near and dear ones does have a good impact but it just won't last..what lasts is the contentment in speaking to Allah silently in a comfortable spot and knowing that He is listening. And listening for as looooooong as one would want to go on...And being the talkative person I am, I went on and on that evening...And then He sent in comfort through His amazing ways..

I needed to stand there that night and talk to Him. And it was sufficient.

No more confusion. No more worry. Just a simple yet sincere Dua: 'Ya Allah, help me and guide me to do that which pleases You, n i mean it ya Allah!!'

Now anytime an issue strikes, or a question made or a dilemma faced, I know what to ask whom and let my heart still be at peace coz He says, 'It's taken care of!'... :)

Alhamdulillah!

Ever Felt..

6th November 2012

Ever felt like you were falling back while climbing upstairs?

Ever felt your eyes wide open yet your mind is asleep?

Ever felt like crying for no reason?

Ever felt like running in the middle of an empty ground and spinning until your head hurt?

Ever felt like going back in time to thank your friend for a little act of kindness that now meant a lot?

Ever felt lost in thoughts of your plans and dreams?

Ever felt like giving up everything and simply doing nothing?
Ever felt your loud scream in a silent room?

Ever felt like talking to an old man simply because you couldn't take it seeing his loneliness?

Ever felt alone...in a crowd?

Ever felt like going back in time and changing your answer to someone's question?

Ever felt like just feeling?

Can I? ;)

Can I be the ink that would draw your picture?

Can I be the flower that scents your hand?

Can I be the pen that writes your story?

Can I be the star that lights your sky?
Can I?
Can I be the one who shares your key of that golden gate?

The sun that lights your day and the moon that brings you a smile?

Can I just be me and still see you in me?

Wouldn't you let me be your silent sunshine?

[Note: I have NOT fallen in love. Just writing about how I believe a partner would be to another. LOL ] :D

Let go.

“Some birds are not meant to be caged, that's all. Their feathers are too bright, their songs too sweet and wild. So you let them go, or when you open the cage to feed them they somehow fly out past you. And the part of you that knows it was wrong to imprison them in the first place rejoices, but still, the place where you live is that much more drab and empty for their departure.”  ― Stephen King

Letting go in itself is never easy. But when weighing it in terms of Allah's pleasure or the heart's desire, one must, by nature, be able to choose what's right. And when it is the former, it is never a loss. Only a win-win situation. Always a win-win situation.

But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not. [2:216 The Holy Quran]

For Anis :)

http://anisishak.tumblr.com/post/34295176740/home-made-battings

http://anisishak.tumblr.com/post/34295148367/huge-tagline

An amazing time with Anis...The girl I love soo much only Allah knows how much..Someone whom I can never be like. Simply an angel. Masha'Allah.

This is her tumblr and there is not one thing that she has written that i have not benefitted from, Bi iznilllah- http://anisishak.tumblr.com/

The Sahaba

Reading about the Sahaba and Sahabiyyah makes me feel ashamed of myself. They have surpassed ALL limits of humanly imaginable possible submission. Their connection with Allah SWT and Allah's connection with them...Subhan'Allah..

I mean look at this: Allah's throne shook when Sa'd in muadh died. He smiled at a Sahaba ( i cant remember the name). He sent salaam upon Khadija RA. He protected Asim Ibn Thabit with a swarm of bees! Khalid ibn al waleed's horse weeped at his death! 

And this is just a gist of what I have read so far..

What exactly stops us from being like them?? Perhaps the voices in our head? Perhaps our priorities aren't set right? What changed?
What can we do to be as amazing as those people who are now promised the Prophet's SAW company in Jannah? Surely, they didn't get it that easy...

Learning..

If I have spent time learning, but that knowledge hasn't gotten me closer to Allah SWT, then I have wasted my time in learning.

If I have spent time learning, but that knowledge hasn't made me be in service with ultimate love and respect to my parents, then I have wasted my time in learning.

If I have spent time learning, but that knowledge hasn't changed me, then I know, for sure, that I have wasted my time in learning....

Maryam RA :)

Some sketchy paintings we made to put in the presentation slides, for the Heroes session on Maryam RA (in Riyadh), the stages of her life:
Hamdulillah.

The Bird Story

Hannah makes Dua

Allah SWT answered her

Maryam's Youth

Zakariya AS makes dua

Leaving home.

It's like an anchor tied to my heart and dropped deeeeeeeeeeep down. Makes it difficult to move or think of anything else. I thought I didn't attach myself to anyone or any place. But I leave my heart at home. It's normal. But that's the sad part- why is it normal?

The pain of leaving the comforts of home and the sight of my parents...is painful beyond measure.

Time is a strange thing. While I am dreading the coming few months, someone else is eagerly waiting for time to fly by. And while the last three months flew as fast as a blink of an eye for me, it went as slow as a snail for someone else. 

If I look back at the last three months which were the best retreat of my life and ask myself if I had made the best of it, I can't find an answer. I can't have enough of my mother's repeatomania. My dad's wisdom. And my little sister's bragging about me being good for nothing. And most of all, I can never have enough of my bed. At the same time, I have had the most productive time so far for the first time. hamdulillah.

Why is it so easy to leave your heart at home? :'(

'Hamdulillah'

Ever just sat down and simply sincerely said 'Thankyou for everything Ya Allah!' ?

Perspective.

Today I looked at myself in the mirror but saw a different person. A different eye and a different face. Today I didnt look at my reflection..But my reflection looked at me. :)

Remorse.

A crimson sun sets upon the silent horizon. Tired, he enters their old tattered house. The smile on her face lights him up for no reason. And then all weariness sheds away as he hears two words from her pink and still fresh lips. 'I'm expecting' she says. A curve is drawn upon his golden brown face. He kisses her forehead. Months later, he waits outside the labor room in anxiety. He walks from one end to the other of the dreary passageway. Half an hour later, a voice calls him in. 'Congratulations sir, It's a baby girl' it says and vanishes across the room. They place a bundle upon his hefty hands and leave. For two minutes he stares at the wide open eyes of this little life. She smiles at him. Tears trickle down his soft cheeks as he places her beside her mother. 'She'll be a Doctor!', she says. 'No! Lawyer', he smiles as he says to her. Together they molded every part of the little girl. Every step rethought. Everything carefully planned. Sacrifices made. All for the best of their daughter.

Together they hung the first drawing she made on the refrigerator. She felt elated and made another one. They gifted her a kitten when they discovered she loved cats. They thought it'd teach her kindness towards everything. They made her favorite cake. They made the little things special for her. They never missed her name in their prayers. Even when she wanted to win her first running race, she asked them to pray and they did. They kissed her goodnight every night and made her feel loved, even if she was already asleep. They cried when she lost, but showed her that strength lies in the effort, not the result. They taught her patience by just being who they were. They bought fluorescent stars and put them up the ceiling simply because she loved the stars. They bought her favorite swimsuit, even though they didn't like it. They carefully chose almost every thing for her in her life.

Days passed by and the time came when they didn't even realize after all the bottle feeding, back to school rides, cycling and swimming lessons, barbeques in the park, badminton games, coffee treats, cries and fights, midnight drives, surprise parties, and every single night when they put the blanket over her...she has grown up now.

To leave. And without second thoughts, she just left. Left behind all those memories. All that love and care. To live a life of her own. Only if she realized she will lose everything. And that to them, she can never ever repay back their love.

She can try to be everything they wanted her to be, but she can only try. She can never ever heal those broken wounds. Mend those broken glasses. Or give life to the now wrinkled hands that once molded her soul.

:'(

A longing to meet.

I yearn for you in my dreams

To talk to you and tell you things

And ask you a million new

To look up to you, just observe you

To see how you just do what you do

I yearn for you in my dreams

See your face and stare at you

To feel that sense of being heard

To experience the Almighty talk to you

To hear the story of every bird

To see in Jannah, your home's view

O the One who makes beautiful dreams

I make to you a humble plea

Show this heart what it longs to see

Of love that can't be reached

Of hearts that can't be touched

Khadija, Maryam, Aisha and Muhammad

Asiya, Yusuf, all of them and ALL of them

For they can only exist in my dreams

They can only exist in my dreams..

Of Pain In Comfort.

While my head talks to me non-stop of the million things it has in it I decide to shoo it all away just by going to my mother. I lay next to her and hug her tight. I find enough space for myself and adjust myself swiftly and comfortably by her side.  I sense a magical feeling. I smell her scent. I feel her warmth. I don't understand what's happening. All that stress flees from my mind. Peace. Slowly but deeply, I fall asleep. Without any effort.

I closed my eyes and a picture came to my mind. Of another boy in the same land that I stand on, far far away, also hugging his  mother. He quickly wraps himself around her. He too, doesn't seem to understand what is happening. He smells her blood. He smells her tears, her sweat. He senses her pain. Slowly, but deeply, he falls asleep. Without any reason. :'(

Syria

Palestine

Palestine

Burma

Kashmir

 

Kashmir

And so on...  And so on?

'اللهُمَّ أَعِزَّ الإِسْلامَ وَالمُسْلِمِينَ'

'O Allah! Raise the standing of Islam and the Muslims.' 

 وَدَمِّرْ أَعْدآءَ الدِّينِ وَاحْمِ حَوْزَةَ الإسْلامِ يَا رَبَّ '
'العَالَمِينَ
'Destroy the enemies of the Deen, and protect the lands of Islam, O Lord of the Worlds.'

Dua ;)

Today i remembered how truly madly deeply i wanted something. Made a beautiful dua for it.
I don't know if I'll remember this years later. But I know He won't forget. So I asked Him now itself.  :P He never forgets.
Point is, even when we forget what we want, He won't. So never underestimate the power of dua. Keep talking to Him. In every you-ish way :)

If I could...

If I could, I'd kiss and hug and thank my mom a lot more often..

If I could, I'd learn more languages  from every new friend I made..

If I could, I'd buy an ice cream from the ice cream vendor simply to make his day..

If I could, I'd go back in time and hug my favorite math teacher and tell her I loved her..

If I could, I'd tell someone how deeply I loved them..

If I could, I'd tell my dad in detail how he molded every part of me in my life..

If I could, I'd strive hard to get back my favorite childhood book 'The long walk'..
If I could, I'd miss a flight simply to stay back home a little longer..

If I could, I'd talk to the birds..

If I could, I'd find out what would be the best present for Him and prepare it in the best of ways to hand over to Him..

If I could, I'd kiss the stars 'goodnight' every single night..

If I could, I'd never stay in the same place..

If I could, I'd fly..

In Search Of The Unknown Treasure..

Desperately finding her purpose. Unraveling her hidden mystery. Looking for the lyrics of her unsung song. Time to break the wall she built. Around herself.

She's looking for the perfect treasure to hand over to her Lord when she meets Him. Can't seem to find it. A sense of urgency makes her feel overwhelmed. With sorrow. But also in happiness. 
I don't know.

I lay is silence. And I cannot sleep. I walk. But lost in thoughts. I can't stop. Every second that the clock ticks, I hear it. It feels like I'm in a cliche movie. Life is moving on. I left a trail of my own footstep last night. And today it is gone.

I always felt He placed me in beautiful paintings. Only now I realize how wrong I was. I have been put in this empty canvas for me to paint all this while. Years have passed, and i haven't even found my paints yet. What about the painting? I left that for tomorrow. There is still time.

But that 'tomorrow' now feels so uncertain. I long to dream. And truly believe in it coming true. Until now I found complacency in Allah SWT. Now my mind debates back to me. If I don't break barriers I built around myself, how am I going to go ahead and do it for Him. He is there. But I am not doing enough. I still don't believe in myself enough. And this thought is depressing. Lived in delusion all this while. It now hits me and I can't wait no more.

This longing. This yearning for it. It is there, I just can't seem to see it. Feel it. find it.

What is it?

Will she find it before the pen stops writing her story? Will she meet her Lord without accomplishing anything of significance? Or will she find the treasure and wrap it up beautifully with the best perfume she finds?