Sunday is my convocation and I won't be attending it.
I walked past the aisle today to collect the robe, there was a red carpet since the queen of Malaysia will be coming, and lots of vvips too. I saw the preparation going on, the lights were bright, the halls were being prepared with the seating, the signages for parents and guardians everywhere, and a girl was practising her speech in the halls mike. Lots of activity, it looks absolutely stunning and exciting and huge. No wonder people call it their big day. I too, dreamed of my family get-together today, I planned and hoped to see my beloved parents here, all my sisters around me, in-laws, and ofcourse hoped my husband (my pillar of support) would be a little proud of me, my children by my side. I imagined all my strongest support systems to be in one frame today. And then after all that, I decided not to attend which stops all of them from coming.
I did feel very tempted to think of my decision again... Why not? ... It's just one day, one moment in our lives to celebrate.
To celebrate the efforts we took through this journey. And my journey, like many others too, was far from easy.
I enjoyed learning, ensured I was sincere to each subject and did my best yes, but i won't lie ,it was difficult..
Joining the educational field after an 8 year gap, in another language medium (Arabic), attending prerequisites and foundation courses to understand my masters subjects well, having three little children all below the age of 7 when I started, the newest first time experience of having my own home, tests and struggles, long nights and days.....WE made it to today. We, yes my dear family, not me alone.... Saj and kids who were with me throughout....thru every assignment, every busy schedule, every class they waited for me to be done with, every simple takeaway they patiently adjusted to and ate if I coudnt cook a balanced meal, every stress I bursted out at them for, they stuck with me through...Even pushed me further to do my best... :')
Yes it sometimes, just sometimes, feels like an accomplishment, but a very scary heavily responsible one. To be really honest, I don't deserve the 'title', knowing me.
But seeing the hall today brim with faces that are living the moment, just enjoying their big day, focusing preparing their robes and styles and taking pictures and laughing, talking, sooooo excited. Here I am.... Unable to describe what I feel- A serenity in chaos, sort of; A paradoxical mixture of immense happiness and deep sadness at the exact same time.
I write this, for my children to read if I'm not there one day to tell them; that your Amma stood for what she believed in. In a crowd of about thousands of people, she chose not to take off her niqab for this one so called big moment of her life....what mattered is the knowledge she gained, not the ceremony to receive her certificate. She will get her certificate regardless insha'Allah Walhamdulillah.
:') and I hope, you too will always stand for what you believe in, pray and believe in the right path always. And when anything else so closely tempts and prompts you against what you stand for, know that I truly know how it felt but fighting out of it was what felt the most victorious and peaceful to do! Alhamdulillah.
May Allah accept our intentions our sacrifices our tears and smiles and grant us His love and closeness.
وَلَلۡأٓخِرَةُ خَيۡرࣱ لَّكَ مِنَ ٱلۡأُولَىٰ
وَلَسَوۡفَ يُعۡطِيكَ رَبُّكَ فَتَرۡضَىٰٓ ❤️
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