Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Empty Vessel

I will look back to this day.

To that feeling when I stood in front of a pile of books stacked in that Ustadh's shelf. And felt blank. How I know nothing , not even to understand what I read in front of me and yet how I wish to learn so much! Really… I see an ocean in front of me, and I feel like a thirsty empty vessel desperately desiring to grasp it all…
This is really a long journey to embark on. But this is not impossible. This is the beginning and one day I will look back to this day, when I’m drowned deep in that ocean, far far away… I know I’ll get there one day. inshaAllah.
And when I do look back, and then look ahead, I’ll still feel the same, and be the same thirsty empty vessel.

Why do I want this?
I want this so bad. Because I feel like I've become stagnant. In my eman.
I want my eman to rise with the light of His knowledge.
And everytime I Err, or sin or think of sinning, I want knowledge to remind me of Him.
I want to KNOW what I do, why I’m doing it, and how to do it in the way that pleases Allah swt. In whatever I do.
I want to have answers when my children ask me.
I want to know.
I want to learn more n more of Him, to increase in my love and fear of Him.
I want my heart to feel alive. Its dead. I want to know how to live.
And if possible, I want to connect people around me to the Most Beaaaaaaaaaaaaaautiful connection of all. In whichever way I can. I want this so much.
I want to tread the path of knowledge, for it’s the path to Jannah and I want Jannah real bad.

I HAVE to look back to this day. To remind myself WHY I ever tread on this path. No matter how difficult it gets. I shouldn't give up. And no matter how easy it gets, I shouldn't become arrogant.

The funny thing is, what I felt today is what I felt 8 years ago, back in my home, when I stood there, staring at my shelf of books that I had wanted to learn. I look back to that day now, and I realize I’ve read them all. Yet I think this feeling will never change. And it shouldn't. inshaAllah.... 

O Allah! Make me eligible to receive the light of your knowledge and utilize it to Your pleasure. Ameen.... 

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